Snakes and Relationships, Don’t Test Them


Aynjell (19, male, Omaha) writes:

So, I’m confused. I am not really sure what to do, so I’ll explain everything as best as possible, and maybe, just maybe you can help me figure it out.

A few quarters ago I was in a human’s relation class and I met an awesome girl. She likes games, she’s got a damn good sense of humour, she doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t *&@! everything that moves, and she even has some artistic talent (pretty good stuff she’s done). I know she’s not the perfect girl, there isn’t one out there. But as the book that eljefe reccomended to me (God’s Debris) said, you can’t find the perfect girl, only one with faults you don’t mind. I can’t say I care about any of her faults at all (some of them are even funny), and she’s so fun to be around…

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I really *&@!ed up when we were dating before. We ended up breaking up rather violently (not physically violently) and I still can’t recall how it all happened… I just know there were factors on both our sides that really made it hard to be a couple.

Where I messed up, I am not sure, but all I know is I got to find a way to apologize and well… I dunno. It could have been me being too affectionate, wanting to hold hands, hugging, etc. It could have been me always feeling uncomfotable about having a car. I know that when we broke up I can’t recall saying anything that was too mean, I remember crying, feeling hurt… and god I wish I had a chat log so I knew just what I said. I know I told her “I can’t just be friends”, because “that never works out for me”.

To be honest being her friend is enough now. but god I feel so empty and sad everytime I hear she’s going on a date with somebody else, or even somebody else she’s dated. I always think in my head “What do they got that I don’t?” I guess I’m a jealous person.

I guess I am at the point where I am gonna be stuck as the nice guy friend. But well… I don’t know what to do. It hurts so bad to just be friend, to know she doesn’t care about me as much as I do her… I was happy once I’d pushed her out of my mind, but I recently ran acrossed her again and well, we’ve been hanging out and the old feelings came creeping back.

At this point, I’ve got two options:

I can push her out of my mind and let her live on happily.
I can keep on being her friend and try and win her back through whatever kindness I can offer her.

I know I can’t be just friends, though. That would hurt me so much, it’d be akin to walking around with a knife in my side. But somehow, I guess I almost enjoy the heartache? I am super confused, and right now I want to resolve this without hurting anyone, not her, not me. Not anyone.

(…time passes…)

I’ve already told her I was still interested in her. She said she never wanted to date me again, and that it hurt her. I am still not exactly sure what I did that could have hurt her so badly. I believe I was 100% sound when we broke up, it hurt that we parted ways…

It had been two weeks since I last heard from her. Not a problem if I had a way to get in touch with her. But the real problem was it had been two weeks since a date that didn’t seem to go all that well. Two weeks of wondering… well, I did something out of desperation, the one thing that might possibly reach her. She had my steam account, and I simply changed the password. I can’t recall how long it took for her to pop up on MSN after I did that, but I know she definitely brought it up during that chat.

I know I had told her how I felt about “just being friends”. When she had said she wanted to break up, in reality, the whole point of me wanting to talk to her was to let her know I also was not comfortable in what felt like a one sided relationship, I told her that too. Apparently she didn’t believe me in that I had intentions of breaking up… and I remember us arguing over that, then she blocked me.

It was ugly, really ugly. And I know I hurt her somehow, but I wish i knew exactly what I did that pissed her off. Maybe she isn’t the one for me, but I know for some reason I can’t get her out of my head.

(…more time passes…)

I think I am going to give it up. I don’t want to hurt when she leaves, and well… since I know she’s not interested in a romantic relationship, I’ll go ahead and back off. A friend told me that if you are chased, you run… but if you stop and run, and they don’t chase you… something’s wrong in the relationship. I am going to test this, and if she doesn’t pursue, I’m done with it.

I just don’t have time to be wasting my heart and money on somebody who says they don’t want a relationship. She’s like, my best friend right now, but somehow I think even that isn’t exactly true. So I’m gonna test it, and react upon it. I’d go to the ends of the earth if I knew she loved me… hell I’m still debating pursuing her blindly… but *&@!… what do I do, guys? This has got me completely *&@!ing wrenched up.

snaketemple.jpgFirst, dude, without ALL the nasty details (and I don’t think I want them anyway) there is no way to help you with only one side of a situation, but it very obviously appears from what you describe, that she is using you. She’s a user. She wants things (not you), and when you deprive her of them, she gets upset. Changing the password on YOUR account that you shared with her was a hint.

As for you “testing” a relationship? Grow up man! Here is the thing, if you are standing in front of a snake, and you know the snake will bite if you poke it, do you test it by poking it with a stick? Relationships and love are the same thing, if you already understand what they are, why do you have to test it?

Second (and the reason nobody needs any details of your relationship with her), friendship is the foundation to any healthy relationship. A friendship is supposed to be the first thing developed in a relationship, and if romance grows out of the friendship, then great. if not, no big deal IF the friendship is truly important to you.

Things born out of friendship:
general feeling of happiness

Now if you add romance to that friendship, you have a healthy romantic relationship. If you subtract(or never add) romance to the relationship, what are you left with? Get the point? Honestly, I don’t think you two are even friends, just acquaintances. At best, mild friends.

This BS about “I can’t just be friends with her” is just that, BS. Even if you think you love her, coupled with the assumption you understand what love is, you can still be her friend, you can still love her, and you can still do things for her, be there for her, and show your love for her, WITHOUT her doing anything, since after all…love is your gift to her, no strings attached, hence the definition of unconditional love (no strings attached). Unless of course you think love is just a physical thing, in which case, ya…you are *&@!ed.

If you take this information, and look at the relationship differently (with this information in mind) ask yourself, is SHE portraying any of the aspects of a friendship or romantic relationship? You see, relationships involve two people doing the same thing…”giving” to each other, giving their friendship, their respect, being trustworthy and trusting (if you have earned it), and  giving their love (if its a romantic relationship). I don’t see or hear about any of this in your description of the relationship.

Look dude, you are in college, an adult, act like one. Even if you are the only one acting like one. I understand hormones at 19, I was 19 once, but get your priorities straight, get your degree and stop d***ing around with a girl who is d***ing you around.

Last, pay CLOSE attention in your Human Relations class. I hope you ace it.

And best of luck with all you do.


3 responses to “Snakes and Relationships, Don’t Test Them

  1. I remember her. Out of nowhere she started to message me again after what was probably two years. But it didn’t go anyway, and it never will, I’m content with that.

    I aced the human relations class, btw.

    Who’s web site is this, and why is my post from NAO on it?

  2. In response to the reply to Aynjell’s comment,
    Sometimes your head tells you to trust someone but your gut instinct tells you otherwise. You’re not quite sure of which to listen to. If I KNOW someone can’t be trusted then I won’t test them. But the fact is we’ve all gotten people wrong before. It’s best to try to trust people and get hurt rather than distrust someone and hurt them.

  3. Trust, respect, credibility, all of it is earned. Thanks for your comment Ed.

    There are two schools of thought that go with this relationship situation. One is, that we as humans should trust blindly first until the trust is broken. Others come from the school of thought that trust is earned.

    I find that people juggle both points of view every day. The Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and treat others as you wish to be treated lend them self to the trust all until that trust is broken idea. However, this does not negate the fact that trust is something you want and should earn. It gives you respectability, credibility and it shows good character. It is taking responsibility for who you are and living up to your own standards. By living through your convictions (earning trust and gaining respect), you become trustworthy in the eyes of those who recognize your actions. For those who have just met you, it should be expected that they don’t know you and wont trust you until they get to know you. Your actions will prove you. If they are the type that trust you first, before they know you, that is fine for them, but should not change who you are and your endeavor to earn trust regardless of how the other person sees you. It’s all only a reflection on you.

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